Abnegation
by misslilyfish
Summary: 'For a few minutes we kiss, deep in the chasm, with the roar of water all around us. And when we rise, hand in hand, I realize that if we had both chosen differently, we might have ended up doing the same thing, in a safer place, in grey clothes instead of black ones.'
1. Chapter 1

I hear my name and a shudder propels me forward. Halfway to the bowls, I am sure that I will choose Abnegation. I look at Caleb, who now stands behind the Erudite. He stares back at me and nods, a little, like he knows what I'm thinking, and agrees. My footsteps falter. If Caleb wasn't fit for Abnegation, how can I be? But what choice do I have, now that he left us and I'm the only one who remains? He left me no other option. I will be the child that stays; I have to do this for my parents. I have to.

Marcus offers me my knife. I look into his eyes and take it. He nods, and I turn toward the bowls. Dauntless fire and Abnegation stones are both on my left, one in front of my shoulder and one behind. I hold the knife in my right hand and touch the blade to my palm. I drag the blade down. It stings, but I barely notice. I hold both hands to my chest, and my next breath shudders on the way out. I open my eyes and thrust my arm out. My blood drips onto the carpet between the two bowls. Then, with a gasp I can't contain, I shift my hand forward, and my blood trickles into the cracks of the rocks. I will learn to be selfless like I am strong.

I look down, and wait as the rest of the names are called out and people select their future. More and more people follow my brother and choose to switch factions, most of which transfer to Dauntless, the faction I would've gone for instead of Abnegation. Do I regret my decision? I look up and glance into the crowd, catching my mother's face, who looks in my direction and smiles at me. No, I don't regret the choice I made. I smile back at her. I am selfless now - I live to make others happy, and choosing Abnegation for my parents is a selfless act.

I lose myself in my thoughts, and before I know it the ceremony is over and the last girl has made her choice - Amity. My eyes meet the Dauntless queue, and they exit first with Erudite following on. Something about not changing in life or experiencing any further new or exciting events brings me down... but 'me' is not a word I should be too bothered about anymore. I need to consider the others surrounding my body, the people I'm affecting with what I do, how I live. It's time to change my ways. To stay here, I have to be the kind, generous person it says I am on my aptitude results, despite what I really am. I am part Abnegation, so I need to let that part of me shine.

This will be a breeze, I think as heads in front of me begin to bob up and down whilst moving forwards. I've lived here before, I can live here again. There's nothing new I have to learn with knowledge of the rules already imprinted into my mind. I step closer and closer towards my future that shall lie with my parents who have a daughter they can say they're proud of. But I wont stay there forever, I have my own life to live and path to make. And even though they're my parents, it doesn't mean that they don't have their own lives too.

I'm going no where, so I don't have to experience the heart wrenching look of goodbye at the family members I'd be leaving behind. One thing that can be added to my list of positives.

We step out of the hall, and into the corridor. Shockingly, I can hear the echoes of Dauntless' voices as we head up the stairs. Only Abnegation should be going up the stairs, but they sound like they're having fun. One thing that can be added to my list of negatives.

I watch as they run along, and out of the door to the first floor where the outside wind brushes along my body. It's cool and refreshing. Abnegation continue upstairs and reach the second floor. At the front of the queue is a small and timid girl I recognise from when I was younger. I don't recall where I know her from, but predict it's school because that's where you meet everybody. Her hair is lanky and so blond, it's nearly white. There's a slight wave in the messed up texture that ends just beneath her chin, cut dead straight. We stop, she lifts her hand and knocks twice on the door ahead, soft and calmly.

A few seconds fly by before a young man, I predicted was a leader, swiftly opens the door. He opens his mouth to speak, 'Hello, my name is George and I am one of the leaders of your new, or continued faction', he says,' We are honored that you chose Abnegation for the future waiting ahead of you, and we are sure you selected us for the _right_ reasons', he spoke "right reasons" slowly, scanning his eyes around each and every one of us, trying to spot someone with a guilty look on their face. His speech felt like more of an interrogation than a welcome. He continued, 'Although we will expect you to have selflessness in you, we understand that everybody has their flaws, so of course, you will too. But we strive to make you the best people you can be, so your flaws will be taken care of here. Any questions?' No one puts their hands up. He pauses and nods, 'follow me'.

He walks a few steps in before turning around and saying to the blond girl, 'Do you mind holding the door for everyone then following from behind?' she nods, 'Thank you very much', he added afterwards then continued to walk deeper into the room. We all thank her as we pass. It's a small, square shaped room with white marble floor and grey painted walls. Soon we pass by and the girl who held the door joined onto the line. The corridor we follow through is the same wall and floor as the previous room, plain, but when we enter the next room I am dazzled by the brightness I have entered. The whole room is created from nothing but crystal and marble, and I am sure it's the same room that's been here since the factions began. The ceiling is around one hundred feet tall, and probably goes up more than half of the building, which covers the dome shape to keep people wondering what's so special about Abnegation headquarters. Somehow, I feel privileged to know.

Never in my life have I seen so many sculptures... people standing in crowds, a saint leaning down to great us, a fox acting gentle towards a hare, and two hands grabbing onto each other. The sign of Abnegation waits for us in the middle of the room, going up half of the height. An iron ring supports to two clear hands, presumably made of glass. The stand the piece is resting on is made of simple stone, with thick layers of white paint on top. Delicate, capital letters decorate the stand spelling, 'ABNEGATION' and beneath it, 'THE SELFLESS'. The exact copy of our symbol.

Once again I find my eyes trailing around the room, scanning all the beauty... taking in all of the shimmer. Who would've thought the selfless would create a room like this though? A room for only a few's pleasure. If they hadn't have built this, so much could've been done for the factionless.

'The first step', George calls out, despite how silent the room his. We all turn to look at him, falling out of our dazes, 'is inner beauty. We presume that the majority of you weren't expecting this when you saw the building. Perhaps, you were expecting something a little like the first room we walked into?' Each and every one of us half nod, acknowledging what he's saying like someone selfless would. After years of practicing, I find it easy and effortless to listen to people and not be distracted, but in the corner of my eye I spot a transfer from Candor finding difficulty to not question what he's saying. I guess staying quiet isn't quite so easy for some.

He continues to speak, 'Judging a book by it's cover is so easy, you think that the outside represents exactly what's in... but that's not how it works.

'Have an attractive outside doesn't mean an attractive inside - but that doesn't mean to say you can't be pretty and nice at the same time. You're first step takes place in this room', he spreads his arms out to show us our surroundings; 'I want you to talk to one another, become friends, learn some facts. _Really_ listen. For an extra challenge,' George looks upwards and gazes at the ceiling for a bit before looking back down, 'try not to get distracted. You can start now'.

It takes more than a few shuffling feet for everyone to begin moving around, and far more for everyone to begin talking, even though each person knows half of the people here. Embarrassingly, I'm one of the ones to make the first move, but then again, I'm probably the only one here with any Dauntless in them. I start by heading over to someone I don't know - an Amity. I feel pity as she wanders around clueless.

'Hi', I say, 'my names Beatrice'. Her big eyes are open wide; obviously she didn't expect anyone to walk up to her. I find myself smiling to release the tension between the two of us, but it doesn't feel like enough. Hesitantly, her mouth opens to speak; she closes it.

'Are you okay?' comes out of my mouth not long after she closes hers.

'Yes...sorry.' Her breathing becomes unsteady, 'I'm Chloe'; she pulls out her hand to shake mine as a swarm of leaders pour in. Suddenly one comes towards us. He has a spare upper lip and a full lower lip. His eyes are so deep-set that his eyelashes touch the skin under his eyebrows, and they are dark blue, a dreaming, sleeping, waiting colour. I reach forward to grab her hand when he stops me by grabbing my wrist.

'I'm sorry, but that's not how you greet each other here', he drops my wrist, 'instead, we bow our heads to each other, in a sign of respect', his eyes meet mine, 'something _you _should know', I knew what he meant, and I knew he was right. I understand that no one shakes hands in Abnegation as it would imply that they were rude... but I was too polite to correct her, 'What are your names?' he asks, eyes still on mine.

'My name is Beatrice, and this is Chloe', once I said her name, his eyes switched to hers making me feel relieved, disappointed and embarrassed all at once. Chloe seemed weak and timid, with a height that was actually shorter than mine, eyes chocolate brown, the size of boulders and eyelashes at a long length. Her hair was smooth and straight, a fiery ginger colour completing her yellow and red clothing. It ended in a bob just below her shoulders, only turning in a little with a neatly cut side fringe, covering some of the light freckles scattered across her cheekbones.

Slowly he turns away from her and says, 'My name is Tobias, I am a volunteer to help you become selfless people. I'm sorry if I shocked you when I grabbed your hand, but at least you both learned something new... or at least Chloe did. I'll see you both later then', Tobias turned away and left our conversation, I wasn't shocked when he grabbed my hand, I was shocked when he said his name. Tobias is Marcus' son. The one that vowed to never see his father again


	2. Chapter 2

Marcus was devastated when he left.

He wasn't the same man he was before. Everything about him shined with Abnegation - he had optimistic thoughts, kindness, utter selflessness, and he volunteered constantly to help the factionless along with my mother. Sadly, my father would never go as he had a fear of them. I never understood why until I went home after the aptitude test... there are still marks on my wrist. But still, the man let me go, and I would appear selfless if I helped out.

For the past two years Marcus had done nothing but write to Tobias, despite the fact he lived in the same faction. All his optimism and positive thoughts drained away from his personality... I felt pitiful towards him, he loved his son and neither him nor my family understood why he left. I was clueless. Any possibilities of his abandoning raced through my mind each time any mention of Marcus was made... I feared that Tobias would be me in the future, trying to run away from the life left behind. Luckily it wasn't, but if I selected Dauntless it could've been.

He didn't reply until the day of the aptitude test, when my father came back from work stressed on Marcus' behalf. My mother asked him what was wrong, and he told us about the letter. How Tobias didn't want to see his father because of abuse given to him as a child. It was understandable, but I wasn't so sure about believable. Marcus was too kind, too careful to abuse a child, everyone had their faults and Marcus' were unheard of... but for this to be his fault was over the top. But still, there's a chance Tobias was telling the truth - you don't run away without reason.

The only person I ever spoke to was Chloe, it turns out that she has multiple amounts of fears, and that was the reason she panicked before speaking to me. Chloe left Amity because she wanted to help the factionless, and that was something Amity didn't do. She wanted to take her kindness to the next stage, become an even better person than she already was. I admired her for that. She asked me the question on why I decided to stay in Abnegation. I knew the real answer, that it was the only place I was sure to be accepted as a Divergent if they ever found out. The thought lurked at the back of my mind as they performed the ceremony. But I couldn't tell Chloe that - I couldn't even tell my parents.

Instead of speaking the entire truth, I told her the excuse that made me move away from the Dauntless bowl - the love of my family. I said that I was raised to be selfless, so I chose to remain in Abnegation to make my parents happy. Their happiness made me happy, so it was a win all around. In addition, I lied and said Abnegation was the result I was given in the aptitude test. Therefore, I should stay where I belong. Hopefully it was enough to convince her. Hopefully.

Speaking to only Chloe was a bad idea - more for her than for me. Once the task was complete we were asked to name three people in the faction. Luckily, I knew a number of people here. I didn't really speak to many of them, but I understood what their names were and that was all the information they were asking for. Sadly, Chloe was obviously a nervous wreck and didn't know many people outside of her family. When it came to my turn, I spoke the names of two people I spotted in the crowd, who were in some of my classes at school - Danielle, and Harry - as well as poor Chloe. My hands were shaking when it came to her turn, perhaps it was a good idea that I selected Abnegation after all... if I couldn't handle someone simply speaking, then how could I master what's lying in Dauntless.

'Beatrice...' I remembered Chloe mumble as all eyes fell upon her.

'Anyone else?' George gave a pitying smile.

'No...I'm sorry', she whimpered making me feel worse than ever, her eyes began to water. Quickly, George moved onto the next person, and I draped my arm over Chloe's shoulder already feeling like a true friend. There was some strength in her as she never cried, but the pain showing was more than enough. The knives stabbing inside her could be felt stabbing inside of me.

We were one of the last people to speak, so before soon the task was over, and so was Chloe's emotion. She turned back into the plain, worried self from before and left the potential tears behind. I pulled back my arm and looked ahead to the young man who just walked forward and stood in front of the crowed - Tobias.

'My name is Tobias', he called, much louder than George, or anyone I'd ever heard before. When he spoke to us, alone, his voice was normal. It had a strong edge to it though, making you wonder whether he truly belongs to Abnegation, 'I am your leader, but I also work on the top floor with the computers. I'll be working with you mostly in the first few weeks, but afterwards I'll still come in from time to time...' I can't help but be distracted as Marcus' voice plays over and over in my head, _"He's all I've got - I love him, I really do!" _The last part Marcus said, _"...I really do..."_, made a chill run down my spine. What parent, that cares about their child so much, needs to confirm their love? It should be simple, you love them or you don't. All I had to do was blink, then I could see clearly. I look back up at Tobias, his tall masculine body. Marcus is masculine, not as masculine as Tobias but it's easy to picture him beating his son as a young sixteen year old - the one they told me about. Leaving his father's grasp must've strengthened him, and created the person he needed to be to survive in the world. I turn my head away, then turn it back to get another look. I still find it hard to see an Abnegation in front of me. Especially one that's not a transfer, as a transfer would have time to build that type of body up. Suddenly I find his eyes returning my stare as he speaks, I look at the wall behind him and pray I'll leave his sight quickly.

'...so let's head downstairs and get some food', I predict he means the cafeteria as we all begin to move forwards. My eyes shoot down to my right where I find Chloe walking along side me.

'Are you hungry?' I ask, she nods leaving it simple. I fear that she won't do so well in Abnegation when it comes to conversing. But I'll help her and break her out of the shell she's trapped in. Nobody can hide forever... that's what I'm scared of. Someday, I will be discovered.

It's a plain cafeteria, same as our plain food. The menu is a blackboard scribbled over with powdery, white chalk. It reads, 'Baked potato', 'Chicken', and 'Salad'. Nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary. Each and every one of the few transfers roll their eyes in boredom. I don't blame them - I'd do the same if I was in their position.

'The basic Abnegation food', says Tobias, walking over and tapping on the board, 'If you were born here, then you understand our simplicity... If you weren't then I'm afraid you'll have to get used to it. Other factions spend more time on meals than we do here', a plump Candor girl lets out a whimper in the crowd; 'It's not as bad a thing as you might think! Consider all the factionless with not one single crumb. What you signed up for was to help them, and this comes under it'.

We all nod in understanding, even though some of the transfers are far from it. A simple snack to them is a meal fit for royalty to us, now they'll finally learn... At least some of them...

'Please form an orderly queue', before we reach him, Tobias steps out of the way and walks back to the entrance leaning against the door frame. I find myself lurking around the back of the queue, letting others race ahead of me - who ignore the fact that I am there, including the innocent Chloe. A hand clutches my shoulder firmly, causing my head to twist around awkwardly. In front of my eyes is Tobias' face, corner of his lips curled into a half smile.

'How's your day going Beatrice?' He asks. My body joins my head and faces him, his hand falling off my shoulder.

'Fine. I'm having a good time', which would be true of he wasn't constantly on my mind. His history. Marcus. 'I've made some new friends'. I shrug.

When he remains silent and gazes at another point in the room, I figure it's the end to our conversation, which disappoints me. I wanted to ask him some questions, interrogate him in a friendly way... But I had plenty of more time for that - the whole of an initiation, whether he's training us or not. I spin around to find the queue crawling forward, so I connect to the end properly and join them. Trays full of steaming, fluffy boulders enter my eye sight, meaning that it's time to get a tray. Out my hand reaches for a red, plastic board when another hand reaches for the same. I'm annoyed until he places it into my palms - a kind gesture. I look up. A kind gesture by Tobias.

'Thank you', I smile. Somehow I'm even more convinced that he didn't lie about the abuse, what kind young man would do such a thing...

He lightly shakes his head, 'Don't worry about it'. If I keep the conversation going, I might be able to reach an appropriate point to ask him all the questions I want to. I'll ask him things I already know the answers to, then he won't realize that I'm knowledgeable on his personal life.

'Okay, but thanks again', my eyes reach his, 'how long have you been working here, Tobias?'

Suddenly his eyes are pierced, and I consider the fact that he knows what I'm up to, he opens his mouth to say something and I fear he's going to accuses me, 'Since initiation - two years ago', is all he says, and I relax. Perhaps he's not used to such interest.

'So you're eighteen then?' So much for lowering on the interest. Luckily, all he does is shrug and smile. I feel he doesn't want to go through with this conversation, but nor do I. All I want to know about is his past, before initiation, but that's not something I can just jump into. Not yet, anyway. The queue juts forward massively, so far forward that I can finally help myself to a potato and some salad. To speed things up, I just grab one potato, and a handful of salad leaving the chicken that lies further along the queue. My eyes scan the room for an empty table, or a space next to Chloe. I see her in the far corner, on a table that's full. Feeling betrayed, I make my way over to one that's empty.

I'm only sat down for a second when Tobias, shockingly, comes to join me,'Are you a vegetarian, then?' he asks, staring down at my food. Of course he asks this due to the lack of meat on my plate. My eyes look over to his which have two strips of chicken on.

'No... I'm not kind enough to be one of those', I shake my head, aiming to look slightly ashamed,'What faction do you originally come from, Tobias?' hopefully I sound as casual as I do in my head whilst changing the subject. To make myself appear less interested, I cut a slice off the steaming potato and put it in my mouth. It's hotter than I imagined, but nothing I couldn't cope with, or point out.

'Candor', he lied. He doesn't want anyone to know about his past. The mistake of not telling him what I know from the start... I can't correct him because I'd look stupid. Stupid to ask a question when I understand what the answers going to be,'Being honest and selfless have similarities, so I feel like I haven't gone anywhere', _that's because you haven't... _a voice in my head says. If I begun to question his family, would he crack? Admit everything to me? No. He seems too strong for that. Only the weak and vulnerable like me would fall for it, but I might not have lied in the first place.

'I quite agree. If you tell the truth, then you know you won't be hurting anyone with dirty little lies...'

'Of course, but there is such thing as a white lie', he leans his head to the side, studying me,'though we're told not to lie like that either... no lies at all', mentioning the white lie would've blew his cover completely if I hadn't already known that he was lying. Candor haven't been taught any forms of lying over than the bad ones, because they're reputation is honesty. If a child goes against it even in the slightest, then the reputation's gone.

George stands up, looking around the room to see if the majority of people have finished eating. They have. 'Okay', he says, a hush falls over the room, and it's silent other than a soft buzzing sound escaping from the kitchen, 'since you've all finished eating, we can now show you to your dormitory. Would you like to follow me... oh, and Tobias?'

'Yes?' his voice seems loud, and strong next to me.

'Do you mind tidying up, just for today, please?' He nods, understanding completely that if he didn't accept he'd be in trouble for going against Abnegation rules. Suddenly it hits me, I could stay behind and talk to him. Ask about what's happened in the past with Marcus. I'll tell him about how my dad knows Marcus, the connections. Everyone starts to hover in front of George, blocking him from our sight. Tobias turns to look at me in a confused way as if to ask, _why aren't you moving? _

'Do you mind if I help you?' I ask.

His face lights, possibly at the thought of not cleaning up alone, 'Yeah, sure. Go ahead!' We wait until they leave the room before beginning to tidy up. The door makes a soft bang, and Tobias gets up off his feet and walks towards a cupboard door. I follow behind at his heels.

'Did you get Abnegation in your aptitude test?' I wait for an answer, no reply, 'I know it's a bit personal but -'

'Oh sorry, Beatrice... yes', he cuts across me, but I don't believe he meant to, 'yes I did. But I don't believe we're supposed to talk about it', he walks into the cupboard and grabs a plastic bin, 'Just grab any rubbish from tables and put it in here to start off with. Thanks for helping, Beatrice'.

'That's okay... I wanted to', I feel that he hides something from me, as the normal person would ignore the rules of the aptitude test and speak freely about it. At least two years after taking it, I decide to move onto something else to see what information I get from him. It takes time, but not too much time to clean up a room, 'Since you're from Candor, you wouldn't see your family all that much, would you?' I wanted to see what he'd say about his family, would he lie, or would he tell the truth. Maybe he'll say nothing at all.

He lets out a sigh and laughs, 'You want to know quite a bit of information about me, don't you?' coldness reaches his eyes as he looks blankly at me, 'Why?'

'You don't really come from Candor, do you?' I say, sometimes it's best to just jump into things and hope everything will be okay. His head shakes and his eyes move away from mine.

'Where did you get -'

'I know who you are, Tobias. Your dad's called Marcus, you said he abused you!' I watch as he takes a step back from me. For a moment I think that he's going to hurt me, then he softens.

'Who told you?' is all he asks, and I'm glad.

I jump into the story, how my dad worked with Marcus, the ceremony, the letter. Throughout it all I can see is his tense body. Guilt runs through me, I'm disgusted with myself for putting him through the pain. I finish, and we say nothing, do nothing, until he looks around and stares at the mess that remains on the tables. He smiles, and says, 'At least I have one person I don't need to lie to'. We laugh, and I step closer to begin tidying the table. Tobias joins in and pulls the bin closer towards us.

I stand, and pull my hair out of the bun on my head, something brushes against my cheek - his thumb, 'I'm sorry', he says, 'for lying... it's just not something I like to share with anyone', our eyes meet, and they stay there for what feels like forever. Suddenly he leans in, and our lips connect. We kiss... I like it.


End file.
